A Revisionist Commencement Speech to the Class of 2008

Students, esteemed faculty, parents, friends, ladies and gentlemen: Welcome.

To the class of 2008: Congratulations.  We couldn’t be more proud of you.  You’ve worked long and hard to prepare for this day, and it’s finally here. You’re ready to enter the real world. You’ve got hopes, dreams and ambitions that soar higher than any of the rest of us dare to imagine, and you’re going to achieve them all! that’s really super! It’s good to dream big. Your only limit is the sky! crippling state of the economy.

The working world can be brutal, but it can also be rewarding brutal. You’ll never know how high you can soar womanly your sobs can sound until you test yourself in the real world.  Some of you dream of being politicians, and are well prepared for a future serving the people cappuccinos. Others wish to be doctors, and will go out into the world and save lives food stamps. Still some of you have a passion for the arts.  Share this passion! Give up forever.

As you make your way out into the world, I urge you not to forget about those who helped you get here. First, your teachers, the people who fervently fanned the flames of your wildest pipe dreams. Next, your friends, there for you through thick and thin. And, of course, your parents, proudly watching you take your place in the world their basement. These are the people who believe that you will accomplish all your goals, and they will take joy in all of your successes are wrong.

Remember, Class of 2008, just because you’ve graduated doesn’t mean that you’re done learning. Since my own graduation, I have learned numerous invaluable lessons. For example, I’ve learned that I can learn more from my failures than I can from my successes. utter failures. I have also learned that when all else fails, I can always rely on my neighbors’ wisdom wireless internet.  Or the most important lesson of all, that there is no substitute for old fashioned hard work liquor.

Class of 2008, I really do wish you the best of luck with everything. Many have stood where you stand right now. All we can ask of you is the same that we asked of them: that you do your best. If there is one thing I want you to take away from today, it is this:  In life, you get what you give. Whatever you do, do not forget that all important lesson. give a recession. Oh wait.

OK, You Guys Have To See This

For some reason, wordpress likes to include little links at the bottom of posts with comments that are other articles you might enjoy. I don’t know how they’re generated, probably something about words you mention in the post, but this one can be found at the bottom of the last post. It is hilarious and uncomfortable and I had to share it. None of these people should be saying the things they’re saying.

The Most Boring Man In the World on Sex

Oh yeah, I got a pretty wild sex story for you.  Once, there was a boy who met a girl and they fell in love.  One day, they got married, and they made love, and nine months later the girl gave birth to the most grateful son in the whole world. I love you, Mom and Dad.

The Most Boring Man in the World on Brunch

I’m sorry, I find it impolite to discuss controversial issues in a public forum.

The Most Boring Man in the World on War

Oh no, oh my goodness, no. I don’t like it at all. I find card games much too stimulating.

The Most Boring Man in the World on Wishes

If a genie came up to me and said, you can have any three wishes in the world, you know what I would say? I would say, “Genies aren’t real. Which means this is clearly a dream, in which case, I would like to wake up now, because I find most dreams unpleasant”.

The Most Boring Man In The World on Companionship

I like a good pet. I have a fish. His name is Arthur. If you put your face close to the bowl, he makes the most hilarious faces at you.

Puppytree Awards: and the Award For Laziest Movie Ad Ever Goes To…

lazy

I Love You, Man.
The ad consists of:

  • The title and tagline
  • Pictures of the stars, Paul Rudd and Jason Segal, standing there, not even smiling, sort of half smiling. Sort of.
  • That’s it.

The poster tells us absolutely nothing about the movie itself, other than that it might make you sort of smirk. Sort of. I haven’t seen a movie poster this lazy since 1977’s “Outrageous!”

lazierMore like outrageously lazy. Nice.

Jerry Jones Unveils Cowboys’ New “All-Asshole” Roster

DALLAS- After a “busy but productive” offseason, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones revealed the team’s 2009 roster, consisting of what he called, “The biggest and best assholes money can buy.”  At a press conference Tuesday, Jones touted the team’s complete repulsiveness of personality and comportment.  “We’ve been moving in this direction for some time now”, noted Jones, adding that “It just feels right.”  Leading the team will be their new captain, quarterback Phillip Rivers, who narrowly beat Tom Brady for the spot.  Jones Defended his choice: “Brady is truly despicable, don’t get me wrong, but  he’s really more of a douchebag.  Rivers is one hundred percent asshole, no question about it”.  Other notable additions to the roster are tight end Kellon Winslow and wide receivers Randy Moss and Chad Ocho-Cinco.  Terell Owens rounds out the squad, playing wide reciever, linebacker, defensive tackle, punter, cheerleader, and head coach.

how to fake your way through a conversation about genocide

It’s a situation we’re all familiar with: You’re at a party, chatting with the cutest girl in the room. Things are going well, when suddenly, she drops the bomb:  “Can you believe what’s happening in the Sudan right now?”  You enter panic mode: she’s talking about genocide!

Like most normal people, you don’t know anything about what’s going on in far off places.  So how can you successfully fake your way through that conversation without ruining any chances of sleeping with her? Lucky for you, I’ve assembled the following techniques to help navigate this tricky conversation, and lead you to success.

Now, before you say a single word, make sure you avoid the word Genocide until she brings it up.  She could be referring to any other number of horrible things in the world. It’s best to use more general terms, such as “Atrocities”, or “Acts of Heinousness”. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to dive into the meat of the conversation.

It’s easy to get intimidated when she gets into specific details, but stay cool. The US government is almost always at fault, so complain about that.

Example:

Her: Did you know the death toll in Darfur has reached 400,000?
You: When will the bureaucrats in Washington take action?

When she ventures into the territory of what you’ve done for the cause, I find it’s reliable to mention your attendance at a band’s concert benefit for that country. Bonus points if it’s a really terrible band.

Example:

Her: I can’t just sit by idly and let all this happen. My blog has raised over $400 for Cambodian awareness.
You: I went to the Goo Goo Dolls concert for Cambodia last May.  I’m not really a fan, but it’s such a worthy cause, you know?

If all else fails, bring up a fictional situation of far greater severity, and name it after a fine cheese.

Example:

Her:  I just don’t know what we’re going to do about Sri Lanka.
You: True, but Sri Lanka still doesn’t compare to Havarti.

Fearful of being caught unaware of a particularly horrible situation, she’ll enthusiastically agree. The end conversation should look something like this:

Her: Have you heard about the situation in Burma?
You: You mean the acts of heinousness? Yes. How can those sleazebags in Washington sleep at night?
Her: I know! Were you at the march for Burma awareness?
You: Must have been the same night as the Sugar Ray “Rock the Burmese” concert.
Her: Someday, the Burmese people will be safe.
You: Then we’ll focus on the atrocities in Gouda.
Her: Absolutely! I would like to sleep with you.
You: Sweet.