Category Archives: Uncategorized

TrikDickNix’s Twitter Feed: 1969-1977

Guess what? Inaugurations are boring.
9:31 AM Jan 20th, 1969 from txt

@DownwardSpiro Tweeting @ you from Oval Office WHAT UP!
8:25 AM Jan 21st, 1969 from web

What’s the difference between your mom and Cambodia? When I invade Cambodia, I don’t regret it when I sober up. BURN!
9:08 PM Mar 16th, 1969 from web

LULZ! You guys seen this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqI4j3FHtLw Hamster eating popcorn on a piano. HILAR.
4:58 AM Nov 4th, 1969 from web

I’m pretty sure there is something under my bed.
11:21 PM Feb 25th, 1970 from txt

I am not kidding around here there is something under my bed WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME?
2:33 AM Feb 26th, 1970 from txt

False alarm it was just @DeathsKissinger
2:42 AM Feb 26th, 1970 from txt

@WatergateHotelConcierge thanks so much for those soaps, as well as that other stuff.
12:20 PM May 16th, 1972 from web

NO I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
10:36 PM Jun 17th, 1972 from txt

@MorningWoodward @ BernsteinBear STFU
10:04 AM Aug 1st, 1972 from web

Hey! Hey! Everyone check out what I did in China! Don’t pay attention to that other thing, look at China! Reopened relations with China!
6:45 PM Jan 11th, 1973 from web

Shit.
9:17 AM Aug 9th, 1974 from txt

Idea 4 image rehab- cooking show where I show how people w/ no culinary skills can make delicious meals, titled “I Am Not a Cook” Thoughts?
3:13 PM Oct 22nd, 1976 from web

FINE I WON’T DO THE SHOW jeez take a joke people.
3:15 PM Oct 22nd, 1976 from web

@FrostyTheShowman Sure, sounds fun, if you’re really dumb enough to tango with me.
11:26 AM Mar 5th, 1977 from web

NO I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
8:11 PM May 25th, 1977 from txt

At least this still makes me smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqI4j3FHtLw
4:25 PM May 29th, 1977 from web

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Looking for the perfect vacation spot?

Hey, I don’t need to remind you how tough things are right now. Seems like everyone’s wallets are feeling a bit less like Hardy and more like Laurel! But don’t think that that means you can’t find the perfect vacation spot for you and your loved ones. If you need to get away, just look to the Live Music Show Capital of the World! That’s right,

EXPLORE BRANSON!

It’s never boring in Branson, Missouri! Just look at some of the exciting Branson events coming soon:

3/27-3/29: Young Christians’ Weekend

3/28: 6th annual Cherry Blossom Kite Festival

4/4: Eggstravaganza

And that’s just the beginning! Did you forget about the legendary Branson live music shows? Like our slogan proudly boasts, “Someone you love is always playing in Branson!” Why just recently, we’ve had such amazing and well-known acts as Kirby Van Burch, The Baldknobbers, Presley’s Jubilee, and Circle B Chuckwagon! Still not convinced? Did I mention that Branson was recently voted the number 3 most budget-friendly destination by travel agents? Number three! That’s like a bronze medal.  And as our website is quick to note, “Branson is less than a day’s drive for one-third of Americans.”  Amazing, right? It’s like we never run out of selling points!

By now you’ve probably guessed that keeping up with all the new and exciting things happening in Branson is quite the challenge, which is why we find it absolutely necessary to have a Branson Blog.  Also, you can friend Branson on Facebook and Myspace! We’re just that cool!

So if you haven’t already, plan your trip to Branson today! Act now and you can be here before the April 24 Al Roker book signing! No, I’m not kidding!

TV Shows I’d Like to See

Dateline’s to Catch a Predator:

She's only 14???

SHE'S ONLY 14???

Nicolas Cage Attempts to Act His Way Out of a Paper Bag

Wha…

Where am I?

It’s dark, and everything feels… rough.  Papery? What’s going on??

Wherever I am, I have to get out of here.  There’s gotta be a way out of here, right?

…right?

Alright, calm down, Nic. You’re an actor. A great actor. You rock! And you’re going to act your way out of here, because that’s what you do best. All you have to do is act like someone who’s going to find the way out of here. Ok, find your center. And…

Hey! Hi, my name is, uh…

John? Yeah, that’s my name. I’m John, and uh, I’m in this dark papery space, but that’s alright, because guess what? I’m about to leave. So here I go, leaving this dark papery space. Bye-bye, everyone!

And… scene.

Nothing? Damn. Come on, Nic, you can do this! You’re a good actor, everyone tells you so! You’re a Coppola! Just remember what Uncle Francis always used to tell you, he’d say: Nic, you can’t act worth shit, now get out of my bathroom.

Well that doesn’t help very much.

Wait- what’s that? By my shoulders, is that– light? Yes? Surely that must be the way out, if i just go towards the light.

Go towards the light! I’m supposed to do a death scene! Awesome, I can finally do that death scene I wrote that the director wouldn’t let me do from “Gone in 60 Seconds”! Ok, get back into the character of Memphis Raines. Here we go. You’re a panther, Nic. King of the jungle. Time to roar:

No! Who could have seen this coming? That Elenoar, the very car that eluded me my whole car-thiefing career, would become my bloody, metal tomb. Oh irony! But I have no regrets. Angelina Jolie, I am glad you are by my side as I die, because I have something to tell you: You’re pregnant. With my son, who I will play in any sequels. Cough, cough. I am not long for this world, Angelina. I love you. I love you a lot.

Gone in sixty seconds?  No, gone in one second… I am dead.

No? Still here? What the hell, that was some serious acting! Doesn’t anyone know good acting when they see it?

Alright! Everybody listen up! Whoever is controlling this, whoever is deciding whether or not my acting is good enough to get out of this dark, papery trap, listen to me! I am a good actor! I won an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas! I was great! Don’t I get any credit for that? And what about Adaptation? That was awesome, and I was awesome! Doesn’t that make up for Next and Con Air and Sonny?

And what about The Rock? That was cool, although mostly not because of me. Doesn’t that make up for National Treasure and City of Angels and Kiss of Death and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Bangkok Dangerous and Fire Birds and Trapped in Paradise and Knowing and Zandalee and Windtalkers and National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and Family Man and Deadfall and Never on Tuesday and Ghost Rider and Vampire’s Kiss and 8MM and Wicker Man?

No?

Well you know what, screw you, whoever is keeping me in here, you wouldn’t know good acting if you traded faces with it.

It’s not that bad in here anyway.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that this post was 100% ripped off of this post from Jenn Babin’s delightful blog. Go read it if you like whimsy.

I’m a big fan of saying I’m going to do things and then not doing them. In fact, I think I’m going to do just that in my next post.

A Revisionist Commencement Speech to the Class of 2008

Students, esteemed faculty, parents, friends, ladies and gentlemen: Welcome.

To the class of 2008: Congratulations.  We couldn’t be more proud of you.  You’ve worked long and hard to prepare for this day, and it’s finally here. You’re ready to enter the real world. You’ve got hopes, dreams and ambitions that soar higher than any of the rest of us dare to imagine, and you’re going to achieve them all! that’s really super! It’s good to dream big. Your only limit is the sky! crippling state of the economy.

The working world can be brutal, but it can also be rewarding brutal. You’ll never know how high you can soar womanly your sobs can sound until you test yourself in the real world.  Some of you dream of being politicians, and are well prepared for a future serving the people cappuccinos. Others wish to be doctors, and will go out into the world and save lives food stamps. Still some of you have a passion for the arts.  Share this passion! Give up forever.

As you make your way out into the world, I urge you not to forget about those who helped you get here. First, your teachers, the people who fervently fanned the flames of your wildest pipe dreams. Next, your friends, there for you through thick and thin. And, of course, your parents, proudly watching you take your place in the world their basement. These are the people who believe that you will accomplish all your goals, and they will take joy in all of your successes are wrong.

Remember, Class of 2008, just because you’ve graduated doesn’t mean that you’re done learning. Since my own graduation, I have learned numerous invaluable lessons. For example, I’ve learned that I can learn more from my failures than I can from my successes. utter failures. I have also learned that when all else fails, I can always rely on my neighbors’ wisdom wireless internet.  Or the most important lesson of all, that there is no substitute for old fashioned hard work liquor.

Class of 2008, I really do wish you the best of luck with everything. Many have stood where you stand right now. All we can ask of you is the same that we asked of them: that you do your best. If there is one thing I want you to take away from today, it is this:  In life, you get what you give. Whatever you do, do not forget that all important lesson. give a recession. Oh wait.

OK, You Guys Have To See This

For some reason, wordpress likes to include little links at the bottom of posts with comments that are other articles you might enjoy. I don’t know how they’re generated, probably something about words you mention in the post, but this one can be found at the bottom of the last post. It is hilarious and uncomfortable and I had to share it. None of these people should be saying the things they’re saying.

how to fake your way through a conversation about genocide

It’s a situation we’re all familiar with: You’re at a party, chatting with the cutest girl in the room. Things are going well, when suddenly, she drops the bomb:  “Can you believe what’s happening in the Sudan right now?”  You enter panic mode: she’s talking about genocide!

Like most normal people, you don’t know anything about what’s going on in far off places.  So how can you successfully fake your way through that conversation without ruining any chances of sleeping with her? Lucky for you, I’ve assembled the following techniques to help navigate this tricky conversation, and lead you to success.

Now, before you say a single word, make sure you avoid the word Genocide until she brings it up.  She could be referring to any other number of horrible things in the world. It’s best to use more general terms, such as “Atrocities”, or “Acts of Heinousness”. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to dive into the meat of the conversation.

It’s easy to get intimidated when she gets into specific details, but stay cool. The US government is almost always at fault, so complain about that.

Example:

Her: Did you know the death toll in Darfur has reached 400,000?
You: When will the bureaucrats in Washington take action?

When she ventures into the territory of what you’ve done for the cause, I find it’s reliable to mention your attendance at a band’s concert benefit for that country. Bonus points if it’s a really terrible band.

Example:

Her: I can’t just sit by idly and let all this happen. My blog has raised over $400 for Cambodian awareness.
You: I went to the Goo Goo Dolls concert for Cambodia last May.  I’m not really a fan, but it’s such a worthy cause, you know?

If all else fails, bring up a fictional situation of far greater severity, and name it after a fine cheese.

Example:

Her:  I just don’t know what we’re going to do about Sri Lanka.
You: True, but Sri Lanka still doesn’t compare to Havarti.

Fearful of being caught unaware of a particularly horrible situation, she’ll enthusiastically agree. The end conversation should look something like this:

Her: Have you heard about the situation in Burma?
You: You mean the acts of heinousness? Yes. How can those sleazebags in Washington sleep at night?
Her: I know! Were you at the march for Burma awareness?
You: Must have been the same night as the Sugar Ray “Rock the Burmese” concert.
Her: Someday, the Burmese people will be safe.
You: Then we’ll focus on the atrocities in Gouda.
Her: Absolutely! I would like to sleep with you.
You: Sweet.

oscar acceptance speeches i wish i could see from people who probably won’t win anyway

Richard Jenkins- Best Actor, The Visitor

“Wow, this is certainly a surprise. Uh… who exactly am I? I’m sorry, I just don’t recognize my name. Richard Jenkins? Isn’t that that Shakespeare guy? No, no that’s Richard Burton. Oh! I’m the guy who played Geordi La Forge! No, no that’s LeVar Burton. Oh man, I’m way off…

Oh! Wait a minute, aren’t I the guy who played the dead dad on Six Feet Under? Yeah! That’s who I am. Alright now we’re getting somewhere. Six Feet Under. Good show. HBO, man. I love Flight of the Conchords.  You know, you’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I actually think Jemaine is a little bit cuter.  Almost in some weird, like, sexy caveman kind of way, you know? I love that show. Anyway, many thanks to the Academy”.

Anne Hathaway- Best Actress, Rachel Getting Married

“It is such a thrill to be honored for my work in this film.  This was a challenging, touching, triumphant film, and I commend everyone who worked on it for the courage it took to tell such a story, especially my amazing co-star, Kate Hudson.  It’s films like Bride Wars that made me want to be an actress when I was a little girl, and I am thrilled to be a part of it. Thank you”.

Philip Seymour Hoffman- Best Supporting Actor, Doubt

“Father Flynn was an exciting, extremely difficult role to play. He is a man who is trying to keep his bearings as he steers the church toward more progressive ways, and who is absolutely guilty. There. Done. You thought it was debatable? Boom. Wrong. Guilty. Total molester”.

Dustin Lance Black- Best Original Screenplay, Milk

“Wow, this is truly an honor. Ok, I want to play a little game: Everyone put your pamphlets under your seats. Ok: What’s my name? No cheating! Come on now, you can do it… no, I’m not Charlie Kaufman. Other guesses? No, I’m not Harvey Milk either, that’s actually even further off. Lance Bass? Did I hear someone say Lance Bass? That’s probably the closest you guys are gonna get, so yeah, let’s just stick with that one”.

Ron Howard- Best Director, Frost/Nixon

“I’m considering this a place holder for the best picture Oscar I’m going to receive next year for the Arrested Development movie”.

25 facts about mr. humphrey bogart, resident of the rancho ranch

1. Humphrey Bogart has three fathers and two mothers. His first father and mother hailed from Arabia, where they pedaled a series of miracle-cure baldness potions to the townsfolk. Humphrey’s mother would sing the product’s praises to a crowd of commoners, and Humphrey’s father, a hairless sphynx would step forward to “sample” the product. Upon ingesting the elixir, Humphrey’s father would switch places with Humphrey’s fully-haired older brother, who would present his “newly grown” hair to a stunned and astonished crowd.

2. Unfortunately for Humphrey’s parents, one sunny afternoon they unknowingly swindled the Sultan’s dumb and callous brother. Upon the realization that he would not actually grow hair, the brother begged the Sultan to find the swindlers and execute them. The sultan, a wrathful ruler, took delight in the persecution of minor miscreants, and dispatched his full police force to capture and eliminate the grifters.

3. Forced to flee, Humphrey’s brother arranged for transport on a pirate ship leaving for the new world. The ship, however, could only accommodate two more passengers, so Humphrey’s brother lied to his parents, telling them that all three would be able to depart. When the ship left the dock, Humphrey’s brother leaped over the side and swam to shore, waving goodbye to his distraught parents.

4. The sultan’s men swiftly set upon Humphrey’s brother, who died in defiant bravery, knowing that he had allowed his family a chance to begin anew.

5. Humphrey would never know how his brother’s sacrifice had made his life possible.

6. Humphrey’s first father, the bald sphynx, is not his birth father.

7. Humphrey’s birth mother is one of the lucky few to ever know true love twice. She loved the sphynx, but after the loss of their son, the sphynx became distraught. Despite Humphrey’s mother’s most fervent wishes, the sphynx refused to bring another child into the world that contained so much pain. Humphrey’s mother then fell in love with the pirate captain of the ship. They were able to hide a torrid affair from the other passengers on the ship until they conceived a child.

8. Humphrey Bogart was born on March 17. He is a citizen of no land. He belongs to the ocean.

9. Complications during the birth resulted in the death of Humphrey’s mother. The sphynx and the pirate both suffered greatly at her death. The sphynx blamed the pirate for her death, as the death resulted from the pirate’s impregnation. The sphynx challenged the pirate to a duel, the weapon being swords.

10. While the sphynx and the pirate fought, Humphrey was taken to the crow’s nest, so as to be protected from the duel. Even though he was young, the event scarred him, and for a long time he was unable to climb higher than ten feet off the ground without feeling sick and fearful.

11.The sphynx fought with fire and passion, but in the end he was no match for the pirate’s battle-tested skills. The sphynx died the day after Humphrey’s birth. The pirate was touched by the sphynx’s bravery and love, and in order to honor him, he gave the child the sphynx’s name: Humphrey Bogart.

12. When they reached the new world, the pirate knew that he would never be able to care for the child. So the pirate gave Humphrey to the only friends he knew he could trust, a pair of freaks in a traveling circus. The bearded kitty and the strong cat took him in and cared for him as their own. They are his final mother and father.

13. Humphrey grew up in the circus, and soon made a family of those surrounding him. He learned the crafts and trades, learned first how to draw a crowd, then how to entertain them, and finally how to bring them to their feet in applause. He was part clown, part tumbler, part barker, part freak. He was whatever they needed him to be. They loved him.

14. Humphrey could do anything, that is, except for the trapeze. His fear of heights hampered any attempts to even climb the ladder. Though he wished desperately to help, any night that a trapeze artist fell ill was destined to result in a canceled show. He simply could not fill in.

15. Humphrey has known love so true that it is impossible for most to even dream of it.

16. One day, Humphrey saw the most beautiful cat he had ever seen walk in to the circus. She was a cat so beautiful, the stars stood up and applauded at her birth. Her name was Meow. She had dazzling silver hair the color of the moon. She was the new trapeze artist.

17. Determined to win her love, Humphrey attempted to master the trapeze. The first time he climbed the ladder, he made it 15 feet up, vomited, then fell off the ladder. But he got up and tried again. The second time up, he made it to the top of the ladder, stood up, got dizzy, and fell to the ground. He was forced to stay in bed for three weeks while his bones healed. But he got up and tried again. The third time, he reached the top, and even swung on the bar for a brief moment before falling and landing in the net. Encouraged by his first uninjured trip up the ladder, Humphrey kept trying for months until he was the best trapeze artist in the circus.

18. Finally, he asked Meow to practice with him. They got up, swung, and clasped hands for the first time. From that moment on, neither ever wanted to let go.

19. Humphrey and Meow were being advertised as “The Greatest Trapeze Act in All the Land”. They were set to premiere to a sold out show.

20. As they climbed the ladders to begin their act, the crowd was silent. Not even the birds or critters of the land made a sound. Everyone leaned forward, breath held, eyes watering for fear of blinking and missing even an instant.

21. Humphrey and Meow leaped into the air and began what is commonly agreed upon as the most magnificent performance in any circus in any time. The grace and beauty of their act was surpassed only by their joy in performing it. As the act reached its climax, Humphrey heaved Meow into the air, and she soared up, up, up… and never came down.

22. Meow flew through the hole in the top of the circus tent and was never seen again. People searched the area for days and never found anything, not her, nor her body, no trace of anything suggesting that she ever came back down.

23. Eventually the circus moved on, but Humphrey stayed behind, vowing to search as long as it took to find his beloved. He found a house in Rancho Park, inhabited by people who would care for him while he tirelessly continued his search.

24. And so, every day, Humphrey Bogart roams the streets, searching for the flash of silver that would mean his true love has returned, and at night, he can be heard calling her name, hoping she will some day respond.

25. Humphrey Bogart is an adorable kitty!