Nicolas Cage Attempts to Act His Way Out of a Paper Bag


Where am I?

It’s dark, and everything feels… rough.  Papery? What’s going on??

Wherever I am, I have to get out of here.  There’s gotta be a way out of here, right?


Alright, calm down, Nic. You’re an actor. A great actor. You rock! And you’re going to act your way out of here, because that’s what you do best. All you have to do is act like someone who’s going to find the way out of here. Ok, find your center. And…

Hey! Hi, my name is, uh…

John? Yeah, that’s my name. I’m John, and uh, I’m in this dark papery space, but that’s alright, because guess what? I’m about to leave. So here I go, leaving this dark papery space. Bye-bye, everyone!

And… scene.

Nothing? Damn. Come on, Nic, you can do this! You’re a good actor, everyone tells you so! You’re a Coppola! Just remember what Uncle Francis always used to tell you, he’d say: Nic, you can’t act worth shit, now get out of my bathroom.

Well that doesn’t help very much.

Wait- what’s that? By my shoulders, is that– light? Yes? Surely that must be the way out, if i just go towards the light.

Go towards the light! I’m supposed to do a death scene! Awesome, I can finally do that death scene I wrote that the director wouldn’t let me do from “Gone in 60 Seconds”! Ok, get back into the character of Memphis Raines. Here we go. You’re a panther, Nic. King of the jungle. Time to roar:

No! Who could have seen this coming? That Elenoar, the very car that eluded me my whole car-thiefing career, would become my bloody, metal tomb. Oh irony! But I have no regrets. Angelina Jolie, I am glad you are by my side as I die, because I have something to tell you: You’re pregnant. With my son, who I will play in any sequels. Cough, cough. I am not long for this world, Angelina. I love you. I love you a lot.

Gone in sixty seconds?  No, gone in one second… I am dead.

No? Still here? What the hell, that was some serious acting! Doesn’t anyone know good acting when they see it?

Alright! Everybody listen up! Whoever is controlling this, whoever is deciding whether or not my acting is good enough to get out of this dark, papery trap, listen to me! I am a good actor! I won an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas! I was great! Don’t I get any credit for that? And what about Adaptation? That was awesome, and I was awesome! Doesn’t that make up for Next and Con Air and Sonny?

And what about The Rock? That was cool, although mostly not because of me. Doesn’t that make up for National Treasure and City of Angels and Kiss of Death and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Bangkok Dangerous and Fire Birds and Trapped in Paradise and Knowing and Zandalee and Windtalkers and National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and Family Man and Deadfall and Never on Tuesday and Ghost Rider and Vampire’s Kiss and 8MM and Wicker Man?


Well you know what, screw you, whoever is keeping me in here, you wouldn’t know good acting if you traded faces with it.

It’s not that bad in here anyway.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that this post was 100% ripped off of this post from Jenn Babin’s delightful blog. Go read it if you like whimsy.


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