Monthly Archives: March 2009

FML: Liberty City

Today, I saw this guy moving erratically in random directions and pulling out a series of different guns. Then, a tank fell on my head. FML.

FML: Liberty City

Today, I realized that my favorite radio station only plays, and will only play, the same 12 songs over and over. FML.

FML: Liberty City

Today, a guy robbed my store. In the ensuing police chase, he stole three cars, killed eleven people, three of them police officers, and ran a car into a bank before he was finally apprehended by the SWAT team. He came back and robbed my store six minutes later. FML.

FML: Liberty City

Today, the guy driving in front of me got pulled out of his car and beaten. The mugger took his car and ran over eight other people. Terrified, as there were no police around, I sped away. A block later I got pulled over for speeding. FML.

Looking for the perfect vacation spot?

Hey, I don’t need to remind you how tough things are right now. Seems like everyone’s wallets are feeling a bit less like Hardy and more like Laurel! But don’t think that that means you can’t find the perfect vacation spot for you and your loved ones. If you need to get away, just look to the Live Music Show Capital of the World! That’s right,

EXPLORE BRANSON!

It’s never boring in Branson, Missouri! Just look at some of the exciting Branson events coming soon:

3/27-3/29: Young Christians’ Weekend

3/28: 6th annual Cherry Blossom Kite Festival

4/4: Eggstravaganza

And that’s just the beginning! Did you forget about the legendary Branson live music shows? Like our slogan proudly boasts, “Someone you love is always playing in Branson!” Why just recently, we’ve had such amazing and well-known acts as Kirby Van Burch, The Baldknobbers, Presley’s Jubilee, and Circle B Chuckwagon! Still not convinced? Did I mention that Branson was recently voted the number 3 most budget-friendly destination by travel agents? Number three! That’s like a bronze medal.  And as our website is quick to note, “Branson is less than a day’s drive for one-third of Americans.”  Amazing, right? It’s like we never run out of selling points!

By now you’ve probably guessed that keeping up with all the new and exciting things happening in Branson is quite the challenge, which is why we find it absolutely necessary to have a Branson Blog.  Also, you can friend Branson on Facebook and Myspace! We’re just that cool!

So if you haven’t already, plan your trip to Branson today! Act now and you can be here before the April 24 Al Roker book signing! No, I’m not kidding!

TV Shows I’d Like to See

Dateline’s to Catch a Predator:

She's only 14???

SHE'S ONLY 14???

Nicolas Cage Attempts to Act His Way Out of a Paper Bag

Wha…

Where am I?

It’s dark, and everything feels… rough.  Papery? What’s going on??

Wherever I am, I have to get out of here.  There’s gotta be a way out of here, right?

…right?

Alright, calm down, Nic. You’re an actor. A great actor. You rock! And you’re going to act your way out of here, because that’s what you do best. All you have to do is act like someone who’s going to find the way out of here. Ok, find your center. And…

Hey! Hi, my name is, uh…

John? Yeah, that’s my name. I’m John, and uh, I’m in this dark papery space, but that’s alright, because guess what? I’m about to leave. So here I go, leaving this dark papery space. Bye-bye, everyone!

And… scene.

Nothing? Damn. Come on, Nic, you can do this! You’re a good actor, everyone tells you so! You’re a Coppola! Just remember what Uncle Francis always used to tell you, he’d say: Nic, you can’t act worth shit, now get out of my bathroom.

Well that doesn’t help very much.

Wait- what’s that? By my shoulders, is that– light? Yes? Surely that must be the way out, if i just go towards the light.

Go towards the light! I’m supposed to do a death scene! Awesome, I can finally do that death scene I wrote that the director wouldn’t let me do from “Gone in 60 Seconds”! Ok, get back into the character of Memphis Raines. Here we go. You’re a panther, Nic. King of the jungle. Time to roar:

No! Who could have seen this coming? That Elenoar, the very car that eluded me my whole car-thiefing career, would become my bloody, metal tomb. Oh irony! But I have no regrets. Angelina Jolie, I am glad you are by my side as I die, because I have something to tell you: You’re pregnant. With my son, who I will play in any sequels. Cough, cough. I am not long for this world, Angelina. I love you. I love you a lot.

Gone in sixty seconds?  No, gone in one second… I am dead.

No? Still here? What the hell, that was some serious acting! Doesn’t anyone know good acting when they see it?

Alright! Everybody listen up! Whoever is controlling this, whoever is deciding whether or not my acting is good enough to get out of this dark, papery trap, listen to me! I am a good actor! I won an Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas! I was great! Don’t I get any credit for that? And what about Adaptation? That was awesome, and I was awesome! Doesn’t that make up for Next and Con Air and Sonny?

And what about The Rock? That was cool, although mostly not because of me. Doesn’t that make up for National Treasure and City of Angels and Kiss of Death and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Bangkok Dangerous and Fire Birds and Trapped in Paradise and Knowing and Zandalee and Windtalkers and National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and Family Man and Deadfall and Never on Tuesday and Ghost Rider and Vampire’s Kiss and 8MM and Wicker Man?

No?

Well you know what, screw you, whoever is keeping me in here, you wouldn’t know good acting if you traded faces with it.

It’s not that bad in here anyway.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that this post was 100% ripped off of this post from Jenn Babin’s delightful blog. Go read it if you like whimsy.

I’m a big fan of saying I’m going to do things and then not doing them. In fact, I think I’m going to do just that in my next post.

A Revisionist Commencement Speech to the Class of 2008

Students, esteemed faculty, parents, friends, ladies and gentlemen: Welcome.

To the class of 2008: Congratulations.  We couldn’t be more proud of you.  You’ve worked long and hard to prepare for this day, and it’s finally here. You’re ready to enter the real world. You’ve got hopes, dreams and ambitions that soar higher than any of the rest of us dare to imagine, and you’re going to achieve them all! that’s really super! It’s good to dream big. Your only limit is the sky! crippling state of the economy.

The working world can be brutal, but it can also be rewarding brutal. You’ll never know how high you can soar womanly your sobs can sound until you test yourself in the real world.  Some of you dream of being politicians, and are well prepared for a future serving the people cappuccinos. Others wish to be doctors, and will go out into the world and save lives food stamps. Still some of you have a passion for the arts.  Share this passion! Give up forever.

As you make your way out into the world, I urge you not to forget about those who helped you get here. First, your teachers, the people who fervently fanned the flames of your wildest pipe dreams. Next, your friends, there for you through thick and thin. And, of course, your parents, proudly watching you take your place in the world their basement. These are the people who believe that you will accomplish all your goals, and they will take joy in all of your successes are wrong.

Remember, Class of 2008, just because you’ve graduated doesn’t mean that you’re done learning. Since my own graduation, I have learned numerous invaluable lessons. For example, I’ve learned that I can learn more from my failures than I can from my successes. utter failures. I have also learned that when all else fails, I can always rely on my neighbors’ wisdom wireless internet.  Or the most important lesson of all, that there is no substitute for old fashioned hard work liquor.

Class of 2008, I really do wish you the best of luck with everything. Many have stood where you stand right now. All we can ask of you is the same that we asked of them: that you do your best. If there is one thing I want you to take away from today, it is this:  In life, you get what you give. Whatever you do, do not forget that all important lesson. give a recession. Oh wait.

OK, You Guys Have To See This

For some reason, wordpress likes to include little links at the bottom of posts with comments that are other articles you might enjoy. I don’t know how they’re generated, probably something about words you mention in the post, but this one can be found at the bottom of the last post. It is hilarious and uncomfortable and I had to share it. None of these people should be saying the things they’re saying.