Monthly Archives: February 2009

how to fake your way through a conversation about genocide

It’s a situation we’re all familiar with: You’re at a party, chatting with the cutest girl in the room. Things are going well, when suddenly, she drops the bomb:  “Can you believe what’s happening in the Sudan right now?”  You enter panic mode: she’s talking about genocide!

Like most normal people, you don’t know anything about what’s going on in far off places.  So how can you successfully fake your way through that conversation without ruining any chances of sleeping with her? Lucky for you, I’ve assembled the following techniques to help navigate this tricky conversation, and lead you to success.

Now, before you say a single word, make sure you avoid the word Genocide until she brings it up.  She could be referring to any other number of horrible things in the world. It’s best to use more general terms, such as “Atrocities”, or “Acts of Heinousness”. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to dive into the meat of the conversation.

It’s easy to get intimidated when she gets into specific details, but stay cool. The US government is almost always at fault, so complain about that.

Example:

Her: Did you know the death toll in Darfur has reached 400,000?
You: When will the bureaucrats in Washington take action?

When she ventures into the territory of what you’ve done for the cause, I find it’s reliable to mention your attendance at a band’s concert benefit for that country. Bonus points if it’s a really terrible band.

Example:

Her: I can’t just sit by idly and let all this happen. My blog has raised over $400 for Cambodian awareness.
You: I went to the Goo Goo Dolls concert for Cambodia last May.  I’m not really a fan, but it’s such a worthy cause, you know?

If all else fails, bring up a fictional situation of far greater severity, and name it after a fine cheese.

Example:

Her:  I just don’t know what we’re going to do about Sri Lanka.
You: True, but Sri Lanka still doesn’t compare to Havarti.

Fearful of being caught unaware of a particularly horrible situation, she’ll enthusiastically agree. The end conversation should look something like this:

Her: Have you heard about the situation in Burma?
You: You mean the acts of heinousness? Yes. How can those sleazebags in Washington sleep at night?
Her: I know! Were you at the march for Burma awareness?
You: Must have been the same night as the Sugar Ray “Rock the Burmese” concert.
Her: Someday, the Burmese people will be safe.
You: Then we’ll focus on the atrocities in Gouda.
Her: Absolutely! I would like to sleep with you.
You: Sweet.

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a letter to every male porn star

Dear Every Male Porn Star,

Please stop talking forever.

Sincerely,
Andrew

oscar acceptance speeches i wish i could see from people who probably won’t win anyway

Richard Jenkins- Best Actor, The Visitor

“Wow, this is certainly a surprise. Uh… who exactly am I? I’m sorry, I just don’t recognize my name. Richard Jenkins? Isn’t that that Shakespeare guy? No, no that’s Richard Burton. Oh! I’m the guy who played Geordi La Forge! No, no that’s LeVar Burton. Oh man, I’m way off…

Oh! Wait a minute, aren’t I the guy who played the dead dad on Six Feet Under? Yeah! That’s who I am. Alright now we’re getting somewhere. Six Feet Under. Good show. HBO, man. I love Flight of the Conchords.  You know, you’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I actually think Jemaine is a little bit cuter.  Almost in some weird, like, sexy caveman kind of way, you know? I love that show. Anyway, many thanks to the Academy”.

Anne Hathaway- Best Actress, Rachel Getting Married

“It is such a thrill to be honored for my work in this film.  This was a challenging, touching, triumphant film, and I commend everyone who worked on it for the courage it took to tell such a story, especially my amazing co-star, Kate Hudson.  It’s films like Bride Wars that made me want to be an actress when I was a little girl, and I am thrilled to be a part of it. Thank you”.

Philip Seymour Hoffman- Best Supporting Actor, Doubt

“Father Flynn was an exciting, extremely difficult role to play. He is a man who is trying to keep his bearings as he steers the church toward more progressive ways, and who is absolutely guilty. There. Done. You thought it was debatable? Boom. Wrong. Guilty. Total molester”.

Dustin Lance Black- Best Original Screenplay, Milk

“Wow, this is truly an honor. Ok, I want to play a little game: Everyone put your pamphlets under your seats. Ok: What’s my name? No cheating! Come on now, you can do it… no, I’m not Charlie Kaufman. Other guesses? No, I’m not Harvey Milk either, that’s actually even further off. Lance Bass? Did I hear someone say Lance Bass? That’s probably the closest you guys are gonna get, so yeah, let’s just stick with that one”.

Ron Howard- Best Director, Frost/Nixon

“I’m considering this a place holder for the best picture Oscar I’m going to receive next year for the Arrested Development movie”.

25 facts about mr. humphrey bogart, resident of the rancho ranch

1. Humphrey Bogart has three fathers and two mothers. His first father and mother hailed from Arabia, where they pedaled a series of miracle-cure baldness potions to the townsfolk. Humphrey’s mother would sing the product’s praises to a crowd of commoners, and Humphrey’s father, a hairless sphynx would step forward to “sample” the product. Upon ingesting the elixir, Humphrey’s father would switch places with Humphrey’s fully-haired older brother, who would present his “newly grown” hair to a stunned and astonished crowd.

2. Unfortunately for Humphrey’s parents, one sunny afternoon they unknowingly swindled the Sultan’s dumb and callous brother. Upon the realization that he would not actually grow hair, the brother begged the Sultan to find the swindlers and execute them. The sultan, a wrathful ruler, took delight in the persecution of minor miscreants, and dispatched his full police force to capture and eliminate the grifters.

3. Forced to flee, Humphrey’s brother arranged for transport on a pirate ship leaving for the new world. The ship, however, could only accommodate two more passengers, so Humphrey’s brother lied to his parents, telling them that all three would be able to depart. When the ship left the dock, Humphrey’s brother leaped over the side and swam to shore, waving goodbye to his distraught parents.

4. The sultan’s men swiftly set upon Humphrey’s brother, who died in defiant bravery, knowing that he had allowed his family a chance to begin anew.

5. Humphrey would never know how his brother’s sacrifice had made his life possible.

6. Humphrey’s first father, the bald sphynx, is not his birth father.

7. Humphrey’s birth mother is one of the lucky few to ever know true love twice. She loved the sphynx, but after the loss of their son, the sphynx became distraught. Despite Humphrey’s mother’s most fervent wishes, the sphynx refused to bring another child into the world that contained so much pain. Humphrey’s mother then fell in love with the pirate captain of the ship. They were able to hide a torrid affair from the other passengers on the ship until they conceived a child.

8. Humphrey Bogart was born on March 17. He is a citizen of no land. He belongs to the ocean.

9. Complications during the birth resulted in the death of Humphrey’s mother. The sphynx and the pirate both suffered greatly at her death. The sphynx blamed the pirate for her death, as the death resulted from the pirate’s impregnation. The sphynx challenged the pirate to a duel, the weapon being swords.

10. While the sphynx and the pirate fought, Humphrey was taken to the crow’s nest, so as to be protected from the duel. Even though he was young, the event scarred him, and for a long time he was unable to climb higher than ten feet off the ground without feeling sick and fearful.

11.The sphynx fought with fire and passion, but in the end he was no match for the pirate’s battle-tested skills. The sphynx died the day after Humphrey’s birth. The pirate was touched by the sphynx’s bravery and love, and in order to honor him, he gave the child the sphynx’s name: Humphrey Bogart.

12. When they reached the new world, the pirate knew that he would never be able to care for the child. So the pirate gave Humphrey to the only friends he knew he could trust, a pair of freaks in a traveling circus. The bearded kitty and the strong cat took him in and cared for him as their own. They are his final mother and father.

13. Humphrey grew up in the circus, and soon made a family of those surrounding him. He learned the crafts and trades, learned first how to draw a crowd, then how to entertain them, and finally how to bring them to their feet in applause. He was part clown, part tumbler, part barker, part freak. He was whatever they needed him to be. They loved him.

14. Humphrey could do anything, that is, except for the trapeze. His fear of heights hampered any attempts to even climb the ladder. Though he wished desperately to help, any night that a trapeze artist fell ill was destined to result in a canceled show. He simply could not fill in.

15. Humphrey has known love so true that it is impossible for most to even dream of it.

16. One day, Humphrey saw the most beautiful cat he had ever seen walk in to the circus. She was a cat so beautiful, the stars stood up and applauded at her birth. Her name was Meow. She had dazzling silver hair the color of the moon. She was the new trapeze artist.

17. Determined to win her love, Humphrey attempted to master the trapeze. The first time he climbed the ladder, he made it 15 feet up, vomited, then fell off the ladder. But he got up and tried again. The second time up, he made it to the top of the ladder, stood up, got dizzy, and fell to the ground. He was forced to stay in bed for three weeks while his bones healed. But he got up and tried again. The third time, he reached the top, and even swung on the bar for a brief moment before falling and landing in the net. Encouraged by his first uninjured trip up the ladder, Humphrey kept trying for months until he was the best trapeze artist in the circus.

18. Finally, he asked Meow to practice with him. They got up, swung, and clasped hands for the first time. From that moment on, neither ever wanted to let go.

19. Humphrey and Meow were being advertised as “The Greatest Trapeze Act in All the Land”. They were set to premiere to a sold out show.

20. As they climbed the ladders to begin their act, the crowd was silent. Not even the birds or critters of the land made a sound. Everyone leaned forward, breath held, eyes watering for fear of blinking and missing even an instant.

21. Humphrey and Meow leaped into the air and began what is commonly agreed upon as the most magnificent performance in any circus in any time. The grace and beauty of their act was surpassed only by their joy in performing it. As the act reached its climax, Humphrey heaved Meow into the air, and she soared up, up, up… and never came down.

22. Meow flew through the hole in the top of the circus tent and was never seen again. People searched the area for days and never found anything, not her, nor her body, no trace of anything suggesting that she ever came back down.

23. Eventually the circus moved on, but Humphrey stayed behind, vowing to search as long as it took to find his beloved. He found a house in Rancho Park, inhabited by people who would care for him while he tirelessly continued his search.

24. And so, every day, Humphrey Bogart roams the streets, searching for the flash of silver that would mean his true love has returned, and at night, he can be heard calling her name, hoping she will some day respond.

25. Humphrey Bogart is an adorable kitty!

to the dickhead who smashed my car window and stole my laptop

Dear The Dickhead Who Smashed My Car Window and Stole My Laptop,

Look, I get it, ok? Everyone likes a nice shiny laptop. They’re fun to have. And with this economy being in the state it’s in, it’s not really easy to drop that kind of cash whenever we feel like having one. So I really get it. I get why you took the laptop.

But why did you have to break the window? Why did you have to break the God damn window? Couldn’t you have found another way into the car? I don’t really know how, you’re the thief, you figure it out, just not the fucking window. Do you know how much of a pain that is? Now I have no back-left window, and when I drive I’m cold. COLD. Do you understand that, you mean-spirited bastard? And I know, I know, the weather is always great in LA, and it’s always warm, which is true except in the early morning and late evening, which is when I drive most of the time, so yeah, I GET PRETTY COLD. But you don’t care about that, do you? You just had to smash my window in. Go eat a poisoned pinecone.

Oh yeah, and you know what else? Because my window, the window that you smashed in, is now always open, when I start driving really fast on the highway, not only am I now cold, but everything sounds really loud and choppy. That means what ever music that I’m listening at the time suddenly sounds like I’m listening to it through a fan. A FAN. Do you hear me, you soulless fuck? A FAN. I just got the new fucking Beirut album, and I can’t really enjoy it because you couldn’t possibly imagine another way of getting to my laptop besides smashing my window. I hate you. Get skull fucked by Frankenstein.

Was it even worth it? Was my laptop really that precious? I’ll have you know that it’s only moderately good for looking at porn. And good luck beating my Reversi score OH WAIT, NOT POSSIBLE.

It makes me sick that you now have access to my kick ass dance party itunes playlists. Get sick and die slowly.

Sincerely,
Andrew

text 15 Feb

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