1. Humphrey Bogart has three fathers and two mothers. His first father and mother hailed from Arabia, where they pedaled a series of miracle-cure baldness potions to the townsfolk. Humphrey’s mother would sing the product’s praises to a crowd of commoners, and Humphrey’s father, a hairless sphynx would step forward to “sample” the product. Upon ingesting the elixir, Humphrey’s father would switch places with Humphrey’s fully-haired older brother, who would present his “newly grown” hair to a stunned and astonished crowd.
2. Unfortunately for Humphrey’s parents, one sunny afternoon they unknowingly swindled the Sultan’s dumb and callous brother. Upon the realization that he would not actually grow hair, the brother begged the Sultan to find the swindlers and execute them. The sultan, a wrathful ruler, took delight in the persecution of minor miscreants, and dispatched his full police force to capture and eliminate the grifters.
3. Forced to flee, Humphrey’s brother arranged for transport on a pirate ship leaving for the new world. The ship, however, could only accommodate two more passengers, so Humphrey’s brother lied to his parents, telling them that all three would be able to depart. When the ship left the dock, Humphrey’s brother leaped over the side and swam to shore, waving goodbye to his distraught parents.
4. The sultan’s men swiftly set upon Humphrey’s brother, who died in defiant bravery, knowing that he had allowed his family a chance to begin anew.
5. Humphrey would never know how his brother’s sacrifice had made his life possible.
6. Humphrey’s first father, the bald sphynx, is not his birth father.
7. Humphrey’s birth mother is one of the lucky few to ever know true love twice. She loved the sphynx, but after the loss of their son, the sphynx became distraught. Despite Humphrey’s mother’s most fervent wishes, the sphynx refused to bring another child into the world that contained so much pain. Humphrey’s mother then fell in love with the pirate captain of the ship. They were able to hide a torrid affair from the other passengers on the ship until they conceived a child.
8. Humphrey Bogart was born on March 17. He is a citizen of no land. He belongs to the ocean.
9. Complications during the birth resulted in the death of Humphrey’s mother. The sphynx and the pirate both suffered greatly at her death. The sphynx blamed the pirate for her death, as the death resulted from the pirate’s impregnation. The sphynx challenged the pirate to a duel, the weapon being swords.
10. While the sphynx and the pirate fought, Humphrey was taken to the crow’s nest, so as to be protected from the duel. Even though he was young, the event scarred him, and for a long time he was unable to climb higher than ten feet off the ground without feeling sick and fearful.
11.The sphynx fought with fire and passion, but in the end he was no match for the pirate’s battle-tested skills. The sphynx died the day after Humphrey’s birth. The pirate was touched by the sphynx’s bravery and love, and in order to honor him, he gave the child the sphynx’s name: Humphrey Bogart.
12. When they reached the new world, the pirate knew that he would never be able to care for the child. So the pirate gave Humphrey to the only friends he knew he could trust, a pair of freaks in a traveling circus. The bearded kitty and the strong cat took him in and cared for him as their own. They are his final mother and father.
13. Humphrey grew up in the circus, and soon made a family of those surrounding him. He learned the crafts and trades, learned first how to draw a crowd, then how to entertain them, and finally how to bring them to their feet in applause. He was part clown, part tumbler, part barker, part freak. He was whatever they needed him to be. They loved him.
14. Humphrey could do anything, that is, except for the trapeze. His fear of heights hampered any attempts to even climb the ladder. Though he wished desperately to help, any night that a trapeze artist fell ill was destined to result in a canceled show. He simply could not fill in.
15. Humphrey has known love so true that it is impossible for most to even dream of it.
16. One day, Humphrey saw the most beautiful cat he had ever seen walk in to the circus. She was a cat so beautiful, the stars stood up and applauded at her birth. Her name was Meow. She had dazzling silver hair the color of the moon. She was the new trapeze artist.
17. Determined to win her love, Humphrey attempted to master the trapeze. The first time he climbed the ladder, he made it 15 feet up, vomited, then fell off the ladder. But he got up and tried again. The second time up, he made it to the top of the ladder, stood up, got dizzy, and fell to the ground. He was forced to stay in bed for three weeks while his bones healed. But he got up and tried again. The third time, he reached the top, and even swung on the bar for a brief moment before falling and landing in the net. Encouraged by his first uninjured trip up the ladder, Humphrey kept trying for months until he was the best trapeze artist in the circus.
18. Finally, he asked Meow to practice with him. They got up, swung, and clasped hands for the first time. From that moment on, neither ever wanted to let go.
19. Humphrey and Meow were being advertised as “The Greatest Trapeze Act in All the Land”. They were set to premiere to a sold out show.
20. As they climbed the ladders to begin their act, the crowd was silent. Not even the birds or critters of the land made a sound. Everyone leaned forward, breath held, eyes watering for fear of blinking and missing even an instant.
21. Humphrey and Meow leaped into the air and began what is commonly agreed upon as the most magnificent performance in any circus in any time. The grace and beauty of their act was surpassed only by their joy in performing it. As the act reached its climax, Humphrey heaved Meow into the air, and she soared up, up, up… and never came down.
22. Meow flew through the hole in the top of the circus tent and was never seen again. People searched the area for days and never found anything, not her, nor her body, no trace of anything suggesting that she ever came back down.
23. Eventually the circus moved on, but Humphrey stayed behind, vowing to search as long as it took to find his beloved. He found a house in Rancho Park, inhabited by people who would care for him while he tirelessly continued his search.
24. And so, every day, Humphrey Bogart roams the streets, searching for the flash of silver that would mean his true love has returned, and at night, he can be heard calling her name, hoping she will some day respond.
25. Humphrey Bogart is an adorable kitty!